@hazelmotes1

Me: Could a drunk person do this!? *assembles Ikea bookcase*

Her: that’s supposed to be a couch.

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@better_off_dad

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

@Metalligretch

I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.

@elle91

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

@TheAlexNevil

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

@envydatropic

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

@Ygrene

[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*

Me: oh shit

Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*

[From Basement]: Oh shit

@NicestHippo

Thinking is hard, that’s why I appreciate websites telling me in advance how I will feel about the article

@TheOnlyMommaG

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00