Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
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It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
i’m still crying at this
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
The photographer’s assistant
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40