me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
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My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING