Only 1890’s kids will get this
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
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If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan….
She’s a keeper!
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
If a gummy bear is chasing you, curl up like a ball and pretend you’re stoned
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
An apology, to my wife:
I am sorry,
The kids were playing
Some sort of cowboy game
The five year old
‘Yippee Ki Yay’
I did not think.
Finished the phrase.
And now he knows
A new word.
When buying a new phone, it’s important to ask yourself, “Will this look spectacular flying across the room in a fit of rage?”
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.