Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
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If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.