I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
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People that live in glass houses have tons of dead birds on their lawn.
Jesus take the wheel
~ Mexicans stripping a car
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I hate when Spotify is down and I have to listen to Apple Music on my 128 GB Rose Gold iPhone 6s Plus like some kind of homeless person
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
[dies and goes to hell]
me: “mom? dad!? what are you doing here!”
dad: “we used to switch your food with the dog’s food sometimes.”
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house