@Vhalechark

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

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@Bob_Janke

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

@KayRants

People that live in glass houses have tons of dead birds on their lawn.

@continentlbkfst

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

@RodLacroix

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

@GrumpyBahr

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

@BeCoco77

I hate when Spotify is down and I have to listen to Apple Music on my 128 GB Rose Gold iPhone 6s Plus like some kind of homeless person

@freypalm

“Don’t kid yourself.”

—birth control advert

@DiscoFruit

[dies and goes to hell]
me: “mom? dad!? what are you doing here!”
dad: “we used to switch your food with the dog’s food sometimes.”

@weinerdog4life

A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house