Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
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My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
let’s discuss
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Hell yeah 👍
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”