Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

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Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.


For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.


Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it


My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.


Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.


I’m watching ‘Dexter’ for inspiration. Entertainment. I meant entertainment.