@ThugRaccoons

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

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@kharizzmaaa

Happy Mother’s Day to the woman who told me “I could fall out at home” when I asked for Fall Out Boy tickets at age 14

@thegreatnanak

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

@maughammom

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

@NotBachibawlz

Carried 9 oranges up to the cashier and she says “Ya want a box for them?”

“I was willing to pay” I said “but I guess we can fight for em”

@mrandrewm

ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond

(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)

ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing

(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)

NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu

@IndecisiveJones

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

@NourhanKheir

I believe in ten years, gifts for newly born baby would be a SIM card and a cell phone.

@ValeeGrrl

Sex is cool but have you ever tried folding a load of laundry and having no matchless socks leftover in the end?

@msdanifernandez

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

@thatUPSdude

How is “Shark spotted swimming off the coast” news worthy?

Now if a shark was seen walking off the coast that’s different.