Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
You Might Also Like
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.