@ThugRaccoons

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

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@WheelTod

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

@robdelaney

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

@joetullar123456

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

@DurtMcHurtt

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.

@shanethevein

Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.

They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.

@ohwrigley

I’m watching ‘Dexter’ for inspiration. Entertainment. I meant entertainment.