Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
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bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.