@softzenik

me covering my front camera with tape and thinking about how the fbi agent monitoring me has watched me cry everyday but never once checked up on me: cut toxic people out of your life 2018

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@waydybee

whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!

@TheHyyyype

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

@FrenulumBreve

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

@pilau

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

@bazecraze

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

@comedianluke

If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.

@jonnysun

[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”

@QwertyJones3

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.