Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
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Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Print is alive and well!!!
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me