@AbbieEvansXO

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

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@PinkCamoTO

*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…

@ramblinma

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

@JohnLyonTweets

A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.

@causticbob

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

@AnAbsurdBird

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

@TheToddWilliams

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

@noog

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”