Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
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Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
at ease…shoulder.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.