Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
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Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
I need a headline like this
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”