ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
You Might Also Like
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy