ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
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*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
I love wikipedia
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?