Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
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1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides