Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
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A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*