@CAshmanActor

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: How dilated is she?

Nurse: 4 centimeters.

Me: This is America.

Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.

@SharpeBytes

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

@JohnLyonTweets

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

@bingowings14

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

@likeursoperfect

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

@JPLFR80

How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?

@PandAmonnia

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

@GorillaNipples1

[after dinner]

Me: I can’t eat another bite.

Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*