me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
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Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Ron is short for Aaronald
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter