“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
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I’m getting married!
Well, I have a new boyfriend!
Okay, I have a date for tomorrow night!
FINE. Shoe salesman said “Come back soon”.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Leaves are showing their true colors. This is why I do not trust trees.
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*