Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
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Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Body by Oreos
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor