Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
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Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
This rocks
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Jurassic park gets weird
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.