@smithsara79

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

You Might Also Like

@samalmightysam

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

@PortlandiaGirl

There’s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.

@sofarrsogud

ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?

@curlycomedy

Few people talk about Hitler’s other known book about war games, Mein Sweeper.

@SondraDeeMe

“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.

@Mikecanrant

Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.

@KentWGraham

Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.

@MattTheBrand

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok