Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

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How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO


*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*


running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.


[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!


friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though


73% of being white is looking like every limb hears a different beat when you’re dancing.


Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”


Director: we haven’t heard from the fly on the wall documentary crew in days any idea what happened to them?

Me: *slowly pushes rolled up newspaper out of view* no – no i haven’t


[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]