Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

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”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar


There’s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.


ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?

WIFE: Cooler

ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?


Few people talk about Hitler’s other known book about war games, Mein Sweeper.


“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.


Pretty upset to find out that salmonella poisoning has nothing to do with a vindictive fish named Ella.


Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.


dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok