@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

You Might Also Like

@mrtruthandsoul

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

@J0hnnyBlaze

The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”

@Ilovelamp1979

This could be the LSD talking, but I’m pretty sure I’d be more comfortable riding on the roof of the car.

@Samiam556

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

@Eightinchgoat

My neighbor seriously just asked me, “Does Canada have 4th of July?”

I said “No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh?

I need to move.

@deardilettante

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

@LittleMissZesty

If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.