Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
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Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
found my next D&D character name
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast