Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

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The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend


The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”


This could be the LSD talking, but I’m pretty sure I’d be more comfortable riding on the roof of the car.


I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?


My neighbor seriously just asked me, “Does Canada have 4th of July?”

I said “No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh?

I need to move.


How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.


If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.