Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
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There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor: