Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
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Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
the noise i just made
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*