Pantibros before pantihose?
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
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Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
The most annoying part about getting older is the incessant desire to give those younger than me unwanted advice.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?
My cat would be dead before I got 50
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.