@mdob11

Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done

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@HousewifeOfHell

Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?

@WilliamAder

I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.

@DanMentos

My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.

@msdanifernandez

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

@Celestinelea90

I asked my kids today if they felt we spent enough time together and they both texted back that we did so I guess we are all good.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

@Home_Halfway

The most annoying part about getting older is the incessant desire to give those younger than me unwanted advice.

@SteveKoehler22

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

@ThugRaccoons

Satan: Welcome to Hell.

Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.

Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.

Me: Sonofa….