Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
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They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.