Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

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[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.


Hey baby did it hurt when you fell from heaven?-How to pick up Satan


Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.


Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now


the phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which i want to see my own face in high definition


Some guy just passed toilet paper under the stall without me even asking. I’m not sure if he is a pervert or a wizard.


Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”


Doctor: It’s been weeks since we restored your vision. Thoughts?

“I can’t believe that British guy from the Geico commercials is a lizard.”



-wives, on their period

Or if they’re hungry.
Or if you are actually breathing wrong.