Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
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Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha
Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
the phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which i want to see my own face in high definition
Some guy just passed toilet paper under the stall without me even asking. I’m not sure if he is a pervert or a wizard.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Doctor: It’s been weeks since we restored your vision. Thoughts?
“I can’t believe that British guy from the Geico commercials is a lizard.”
DON’T TOUCH ME! AND YOU’RE BREATHING WRONG! STOP IT!
-wives, on their period
Or if they’re hungry.
Or if you are actually breathing wrong.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”