Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
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The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Yup….perfect score!
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.