@rebrafsim

Me: cut, cut! okay dammit, what’s my motivation here?

Judge: I assume you don’t want to go to jail, and if you say cut again I’m holding you in contempt

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@Smethanie

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

@threetimedaddy

Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?

@mattZillaaaa

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

@itsallbollocks

acknowledging public holidays in 2020 like well well well, we get to stay EXTRA home today, woo

@caithuls

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

@ChrisThayerSays

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

@TEAMP2007

Sometimes my kid likes me, but I’m pretty sure it’s only because I’m his Oreo dealer.

@figgled

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes