Me: cut, cut! okay dammit, what’s my motivation here?

Judge: I assume you don’t want to go to jail, and if you say cut again I’m holding you in contempt

You Might Also Like




Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.


Me: *on the toilet*

2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!

Me: I’m downstairs!

2yo: Oh… *runs off*

Me: Why have I not tried that before?


My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar


acknowledging public holidays in 2020 like well well well, we get to stay EXTRA home today, woo


[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah


I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”


Sometimes my kid likes me, but I’m pretty sure it’s only because I’m his Oreo dealer.


am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes