Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
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My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.