Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
You Might Also Like
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.