Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

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I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.


Psychoanalysis is just regular analysis performed by one of my exes


me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”


[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER


Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.


I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.


Don’t understand how people my age have children. I’m children


Y’all know you can literally buy a turkey any time of the year right? Because I’m starting to think some of you don’t.


Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.

Beer Fan : Budweiser?


With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.