I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
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Psychoanalysis is just regular analysis performed by one of my exes
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Don’t understand how people my age have children. I’m children
Y’all know you can literally buy a turkey any time of the year right? Because I’m starting to think some of you don’t.
Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.
Beer Fan : Budweiser?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.