Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
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my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I only say stupid things when I talk.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.