@jakefromstfarm3
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
@tweetsbyrocket
me: dad how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be yourself
me: [barely leaving the house and not talking to anyone when i do] why isn’t this working
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@jakefromstfarm3
@CountMackula
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
@Douchekevin
My GFs good traits:
Young, gorgeous, incredible in bed and has a dragon
Bad traits:
Imaginary- but I overlook these because of the dragon
@frankiemuniz
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
@DrakeGatsby
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
@PerfectPending
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
@HomeWithPeanut
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
@TEXASVETERAN
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
@PastorBate
Dear diary,
Sometimes it just seems like I can’t tell if something is an inanimate object or a person
My therapist: Yes that’s quite clear
@myhoneypeaches
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?