Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
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*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that