@tweetsbyrocket

me: dad how do i get a girl to like me

dad: be yourself

me: [barely leaving the house and not talking to anyone when i do] why isn’t this working

You Might Also Like

@nottheworstmom

*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

@captainkalvis

CUSTOMER: id like buy a turtle, please
ME: ok
CUSTOMER: and make it quick
ME: *grabbing him by the collar* DO I LOOK LIKE GOD TO YOU

@ShanaRose21

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

@geowizzacist

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

@sarah1mc

When I get murdered the neighbors will be on the news like, “Wow, I can’t believe it took so long.”

@TheToddWilliams

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

@RandomManik

-So how can we help you today Mr Benson?

“Please. Mr Benson was my father.”

-Alright. So how can we help you today Mr Bensonson?