@nottheworstmom
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
@tweetsbyrocket
me: dad how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be yourself
me: [barely leaving the house and not talking to anyone when i do] why isn’t this working
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@nottheworstmom
@captainkalvis
CUSTOMER: id like buy a turtle, please
ME: ok
CUSTOMER: and make it quick
ME: *grabbing him by the collar* DO I LOOK LIKE GOD TO YOU
@dakarrier
eharmony just matched me with a dozen donuts
@ShanaRose21
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
@geowizzacist
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
@sarah1mc
When I get murdered the neighbors will be on the news like, “Wow, I can’t believe it took so long.”
@TheToddWilliams
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
@lawyerthoughts
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
@RandomManik
-So how can we help you today Mr Benson?
“Please. Mr Benson was my father.”
-Alright. So how can we help you today Mr Bensonson?