My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
You Might Also Like
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.