My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
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[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
so i’m at the stock market right
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”