Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
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Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
oh sorry i cant im busy that day