Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
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Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
#Caturday
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
“and how does that make you feel?”
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”