me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead

friend: it’s cool, we have a map

me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone

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hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.


My boss: Are you on Twitter?

Me: I’ve never heard of it. Is it a drug? Why would you ask? Am I acting funny? Maybe you’re acting funny.


Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?


Husband: We should eat healthier; we eat way too much junk food.

Me, pressing cookie dough into a waffle iron: Do what now?!


My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.


Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)


Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*


Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.


After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!