I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
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My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Me : what鈥檚 that thing that鈥檚 not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
me: It鈥檚 raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil鈥檚 illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 馃槀
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that鈥檚 the supervisor.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.