I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Me: Damn girl your new selfie is awesome but isn’t it a bit late to zombiefy yourself?
Her: What’s zombiefy?
Me: …Your hair looks great!
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Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Netflix: we are the top online streaming service. Best in the world.
Me: can I rewind 10 seconds without ruining everything?
[putting kid to bed]
Me: I love you
6 half asleep: I love french fries
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”