“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
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Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.