Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

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I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.


Tried to get my 7 year old cousin to play Hungry Hungry Hippos but the fences at the zoo are really high.


I dress up as a Girl Scout for my boyfriend, but just so we can practice our elaborate cookie heist.


Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.


lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died


Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.


Oh, you said floppy DISK.
*pulls pants back up*
Yeah, I don’t know what that is.


I don’t trust people who say “I married my best friend” because I don’t think dogs can truly consent to marriage.


The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.