@portmanteauface

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

You Might Also Like

@BrianIncognito

I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.

@Traceylei2

Tried to get my 7 year old cousin to play Hungry Hungry Hippos but the fences at the zoo are really high.

@Schmoodles

I dress up as a Girl Scout for my boyfriend, but just so we can practice our elaborate cookie heist.

@impaulmccoy

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

@funflaps

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

@TheAlexNevil

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.

@beermanboobs

Oh, you said floppy DISK.
*pulls pants back up*
Yeah, I don’t know what that is.

@EricDumbTweets

I don’t trust people who say “I married my best friend” because I don’t think dogs can truly consent to marriage.

@pmclellan

The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.