Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
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It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house