@Kali_Mura

Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

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@JasonBerlin

Seems like ladies hate being asked how their Thanksgiving was, no matter how playfully I pat their stomachs.

@eyeswidebutt

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like to invite you to play Candy Crush.

@hoplesslycrazy

I talk a lot of shit for someone who won’t sleep with her feet out from under the covers because of the monsters under the bed.

@AndrewNadeau0

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

@iGreenGod

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

@BeeeejEsq

Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*

@Andee_Stewart

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

@nice_mustard

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

@Ophoenix1

I love Americans. You guys have the best serial killers.

@ArfMeasures

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later