Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —

Satan: I have a girlfriend.

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Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like to invite you to play Candy Crush.


I talk a lot of shit for someone who won’t sleep with her feet out from under the covers because of the monsters under the bed.


I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.


I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..


Cat: *purr*

Me: Good morning!

Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*

Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!

Cat: *kneads me* *purr*

Me: Yes, I love you too!

Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*


My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.


“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”


I love Americans. You guys have the best serial killers.


Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later