@JasonBerlin Seems like ladies hate being asked how their Thanksgiving was, no matter how playfully I pat their stomachs.
@Kali_Mura Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
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@JasonBerlin 
@eyeswidebutt Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. I would like to invite you to play Candy Crush.
@hoplesslycrazy I talk a lot of shit for someone who won’t sleep with her feet out from under the covers because of the monsters under the bed.
@AndrewNadeau0 I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
@iGreenGod I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
@BeeeejEsq Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
@Andee_Stewart My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
@nice_mustard “i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
@Ophoenix1 I love Americans. You guys have the best serial killers.
@ArfMeasures Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later