Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
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My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.