Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
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Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Don’t we all.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic