Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
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make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.