@kiel_phillips

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

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@MomesTheWord

I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.

“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”

@_Water_Baby

My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

@KKAlThani

My personal trainer told me to listen to my body at the gym so I punched him in the face and went to get some ice cream.

@GreenishDuck

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

@Mr_Kapowski

Usually when I try to be slick and say “keep the change,” the money I’ve handed over doesn’t cover what I’m trying to purchase

@jeffswarens

Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I’m an idiot

Me: Don’t ask. They swore me to secrecy.

@Kali_Mura

I killed my twin because she wouldn’t admit that she was the evil one.