ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
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she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again