I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
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My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Me: Better late than never!
M: Seeing red?
M: Go with the flow!
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
My personal trainer told me to listen to my body at the gym so I punched him in the face and went to get some ice cream.
[yelling over the music at a party] CAN ANYONE HELP ME FILE MY TAXES
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Usually when I try to be slick and say “keep the change,” the money I’ve handed over doesn’t cover what I’m trying to purchase
Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I’m an idiot
Me: Don’t ask. They swore me to secrecy.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I killed my twin because she wouldn’t admit that she was the evil one.