ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
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Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Home #decor warning.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Oh boy, $150,000!
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2