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My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Driving in Europe vs Canada
When ur friends with white people
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord