Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
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[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.