me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

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Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.


Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team


More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america


Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate


If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.


My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.


6: What’s the Roman numeral for 4?
Me: IV
What’s the Roman numeral for 6?
Me: I don’t know. They named the movie Rocky Balboa.



Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”


Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”


You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?


The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.