@FredTaming

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

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@UnFitz

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

@Dawn_M_

Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team

@fro_vo

More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america

@fakedansavage

Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate

@cravin4

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

@DevilryFun

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

@EddieHarris216

6: What’s the Roman numeral for 4?
Me: IV
What’s the Roman numeral for 6?
Me: I don’t know. They named the movie Rocky Balboa.

@Reverend_Scott

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

@Lisabug74

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?

@jordan_stratton

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.