me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

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My sister just had a baby and she seems to have forgotten all about my problems.


DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir


This reminds me of the time I fired my mother when she was investigating the case of “who ate all the cookies?”


I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way


[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly


You may have a drinking problem – when your mother asks you to toast the bread…..and you raise your glass and say “here’s to the bread”!


SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*


You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.