me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
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When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”