me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
You Might Also Like
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”