ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
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My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Storm Tropical Storm
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.